101 Love Letters: 3 Touch

I’ve been thinking about the way that I love men.

Or should I say, loved men.

As my way of loving is changing.

In the past, as I reflect, I jumped into a physical union.

Exciting and engulfing, it sunk me deep into what I felt was love.

My heart opened quickly.

If the sexual union was a good one.

There was a matching of the two.

One energy centre opened the other in equal portions.

Or so my mind says, many years later.

Perhaps it wasn’t like that at all.

And it is so ridiculous to generalise.

Every single union was so different.

In the way my body responded.

In the way my heart responded.

And so it is.

What has been rising to the surface of my consciousness, is just how vulnerable I am, and have been amidst it all.

Unawares of this, of course, I’ve been jumping in like a child, unconsciously, eager to give and play and experience it all.

Now, at the ripe young age of 52, I pause.

Finally, I’m pausing.

I know it might feel good but is it actually good for me. For him.

If not, I say thanks but no thanks, or not in those words, yet something holds me back.

Sometimes my whole body and soul aches for that intimacy and touch, or the powerful charge of electrical sexual union.

But I wait. And wait.

Not for anything in particular. Perhaps it’s a waiting for a stillness within me, a relinquishing of eagerness. A purposefulness and knowing of worthiness.

It might never completely be with me. That’s ok.

What I have been pondering is just how fragile, vulnerable and easy to sway, women are. Especially young women.

We, or perhaps I ought to just speak for myself, I, was that.

I get it now, arranged marriages and also the ‘no sex before marriage’ thing.

Because touch, even holding hands, can pull a young girl in to a man, so quickly.

If it’s the right man, then that’s ok... whatever ‘right man’ means.

But if not, or if she gives her heart but some other part of her, or some circumstance, or something pulls her away from him, she may never feel that way again about someone else.

Really, at any age, a love can completely change us.

I suppose that’s what love does. True love.

We’ve definitely been hoodwinked into thinking casual sex and ‘equality between the sexes’ is a good thing. No. Women are the weaker sex, in some ways, in good ways, and we are not supposed to be galivanting around sharing our bodies and hearts with many men. We function best when we sink deeply into love with one man and create babies together. That’s the way we were supposed to live our lives. Happy lives. What could be more satisfying. I have never been as satisfied or as happy or content, as when I had my son in my life. Especially the first year. I get it why women, given the chance, have baby after baby, one year after the next... it’s bliss.

Hard work. But bliss.

It’s belonging. It’s love. It’s living.

Bring back marriage, one love, early childbearing and country living.

That’s the way we are supposed to be.

Value our values.

Amen.